We are back and we are good. The cruise for 2011 was fantastic. Almost everyone had totally positive things to say. Almost.
Back story: The months leading up to departure were some of the hardest times I had experienced in a very long time. My job responsibilities increased, and our company grew! We had to place my elderly father in an assisted living facility. I was commuting home every weekend and living with my sister during the week. I decided to get an apartment so that my husband could stay over (he has a crazy schedule). THEN 2 weeks prior to sailing, my father got very ill and we almost thought he was going to die. I was making mental plans as to who could handle the cruise in my absence. Also my oldest son found out that he has degenerative bone disease in both knees and cannot get surgery. He may end up in a wheelchair soon. AND my son & daughter-in-law were expecting their 2nd child about the time we would be on the cruise. ALL of this within the last couple of months before we sailed. It was SO STRESSFUL.
What do stressful people do? ... Well, what do stressful, dieters do?
And thus the "almost" positive feedback.
YES folks, I fell. After an exhausting year, exhausting week, sleepless night, AND total disgust with my self, I plunged face first into a plate of French toast with REGULAR syrup the next morning. AND got caught. I had forgotten to give my "no carb police" speech and the "everyone is at a different point in the journey and dealing with all kinds of issues" speech. Also the "Make love, not judgement" speech.
Judge says: "I saw Becky eating French Toast with syrup!!!... and NOT the sugar free kind!!" (lights begin to flash, sirens blare!! BUSTED!!)
... fun over. This hurt. Hurt deeply. I find it so odd that I felt the sting like I did, especially coming from someone I didn't really know at all. Almost a complete stranger.
Like an addict struggling to be free of the addiction... Like a junkie crying while shooting up... trust me, I was crucifying myself enough for everyone. Sad but true. What in the world was I thinking?!?? Well, folks, what was happening in my brain while I was partaking of the evil? I was thinking about taking care of my sick father who could not stand up and had to be put in diapers... which triggered my memories of my mother dying of cancer. I remembered when she tried to get up to go to the bathroom by herself and I had to catch her before she fell. She lost all bowel control and it was all over me. The French toast was NOTHING in comparison to what I was feeling that morning.
BTW - The French toast was comfort for the moment. Something my mother used to make for me. (AND the only morning they served it on the ship!) I think it was an evil set-up! I was framed!!!
The cruise has always been about the love, friendship, and support. The information received, while excellent, was almost secondary to the support. Don't get me wrong - the information is FANTASTIC and the speakers are indescribably compassionate and giving people. BUT I want to get the support among the cruisers back. I suppose being a female, it is only natural to want the nurture back.
I understand the critical thinking and the judgement. I understand when people only see half of the story and make comments based upon incomplete information. Not much different than some "church" folks that always want to tell the Pastor what he should be doing. I am upset, but not mad. I am dissapointed, but not discouraged. I am embarrased, but not dissuaded.
Some would argue that as the group leader I should be a shining example. I SO wish that were true... I would LOVE to not struggle with emotional eating, stress eating, or dieting. BUT alas, I am who I am... human. A real, honest struggling fat person. My job/role is NOT as an example, but rather a supporter, a lover, a friend, a comrade, a willing heart, and willing hand. I will NOT judge you. I will NOT scold you. I will only love and appreciate you. I forgive you because you just didn't know how deeply I was hurting that morning.
I have made some GREAT friends and AWESOME volunteers. I have met some really really sweet and supportive people. Lots of love. So one negative comment out of 100 positive ones, wasn't bad, but still disappointing. I know I cannot please everyone, but my nature is to always try.
So... as an overweight, struggling food addict please pardon my imperfections while I continue to try to find the smooth path to weight loss. Please forgive me for not meeting YOUR expectations. It is, after all, a journey -- NOT a destination. I have not arrived.
So... here is to the 5th Annual Low Carb Cruise on May 6th, 2012! See you in MY backyard... Galveston. I am on my "A-game" again. I am ruminating on what I have learned. I have a new determination. I am trying LCHF. I have made NEW friends along the way.
THIS ONE IS GOING TO BE THE BEST ONE!!!